I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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