It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
