My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
