I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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