My nipple is on Facebook.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
