i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
