sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
