He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
