If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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