u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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