Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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