meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
