i wish there were pregnant emoticons
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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