I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
