I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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