Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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