My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
