Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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