If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
