True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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