she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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