he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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