sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
