your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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