end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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