Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
