Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
