her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
