After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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