Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
