For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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