I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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