a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
