Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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