sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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