let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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