why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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