Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
