I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
