I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i will never coherently bang her
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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