my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
