i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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