we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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