If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
