Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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