Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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