Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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