I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
