my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
