Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
