My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
