a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can't turn off my feet"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
