somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
