so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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